Moments. Fleeting and beautiful. I dreamed I would be able to one day stand outside of time and revel in a moment like this. I hoped that I would see my children finding moments in their days to “just be”. Life is busy. It is full-to-the-brim with things to do, people to see, classes to take and the list goes on and on. We tend to cram as much as we can into a day and then fall, exhausted, into bed where we “sleep it off” only to wake the next day and push repeat.
Moments. Fleeting and beautiful. I dreamed I would be able to one day say, ” We take time for moments, however fleeting and beautiful. They are our exhales, they are our stolen joys, our imaginations soaring above the day-to-day. They are the wings we give our dreams and the permissions we give our thoughts to grow”.
Life tells us that in order to be successful, we need to fill our days with work and busyness. That a good day is one where we are drained by bedtime and have so much more planned for the next day. I beg to differ. Love tells us that a good day is one where we have mindfully navigated our to-do lists, managed our time well, been outdoors, eaten incredible meals, drunk enough water, read beautiful words, had good conversations, connected with our people and most importantly, found time to, just for a moment, rest in doing nothing.
I see a girl, so much like myself, taking some time to just be. I see her loving herself, seeing herself and listening to her own needs. I see her removing herself from time, for just a moment. I hope that by instilling a mindful outlook in our children, we will help them to realise and appreciate when they need to take time for themselves and in so doing, that they will become adults who see the value in living wholeheartedly. That they will become adults who love themselves enough to “take a moment”.
The room is silent. My client’s eyes widen and I know we are preparing for the next wave to tighten her body and move her baby that little bit closer to us. She pulls a breath in and as the contraction heightens, I watch her tense up her face, screw her eyes shut and hunch her shoulders, all the while holding her breath. “Drop your shoulders” becomes a mantra we chant as each wave threatens to overwhelm her. “Drop your shoulders”. A trigger to remind her to relax her face, her shoulders, her body and to expel the breath she so desperately sucked in and held, waiting for the wave to pass. You see, as she does all those things, as she relaxes her body and her mind, she opens herself to leaning in. Leaning into her own intuition, to the trusted voices around her and to the voice of the One who orchestrates all these life-moments. Her body stops holding the baby in and in doing, releases the tension and fear that prevent her from allowing her body to do the work it was designed to do.
Another time a frantic new mom phones me in tears. Her baby has cried non-stop all day and she is at her wits end. Can I please help? I arrive to take a screaming baby from a distraught mom. I draw in a long breath and as I slowly expel it, I release all the tension in my body, dropping my shoulders as I go. And, the baby? Miraculously, she falls sound asleep in my arms and a bewildered mother exhales. The trick? “Drop your shoulders”. A baby can sense tension in a mother and the more worked-up a mom gets the more upset a baby gets. It is a vicious circle and can go on for months. As soon as a mom learns to relax, her baby relaxes.
As a doula, I have worked with many mothers-to-be and new parents. I have coached them through pregnancy, birth, their baby’s infancy and even through baby’s childhood. The most important advice I give parents is “Drop your shoulders”. It works every time.
Recently I found myself bordering hysteria over something that was out of my control. I paced outside, looking up at the sky, pleading with God to make everything alright. I could feel my body tensing and my shoulders hunching as I allowed the situation to take on proportions that were, to put it plainly, completely over-exaggerated. I found myself holding my breath as I silently begged and pleaded. Suddenly I felt the words, “Peace I give to you.” deep within my soul. I exhaled and dropped my shoulders. It was in that moment that I realized that the advice I have given to so many new parents held fast, no matter how long you have been parenting or how old your children are. In fact, you don’t even need to be a parent to heed the advice I once reserved for births.
“Drop your shoulders” is as pertinent to new mothers as it is to young adults or grandfathers. It is a physical outworking of an internal releasing. It is the act of exhaling, leaning in and trusting. Trusting that even when things are tough, when things seem out of control or too much to handle, that there is a Peace to be had and we can lean in and relax into hearing and believing. We can calmly assess and begin to evaluate outside of fear and anxiety. We can slow down our thoughts and breathe. We just need to “Drop our shoulders”.
We have had some food fights recently. And by food fights, I mean fights about food and not the fun kind of food fights where things get crazy and food is hurtled across rooms. Although … there may have been an incident where some food was taken out of someone’s mouth and thrown on the floor, so that does kind of qualify. It wasn’t fun though and I didn’t feel happy or proud afterwards. And yes, it was me who threw the food. And no, I did not take it out of my own mouth.
Having five children means having five very different HUMANS. Some humans like food, all food. Some humans like to try new foods and base their decisions on whether or not they will eat these foods on the fact that they have actually allowed said food to pass their lips. Some humans genuinely don’t like certain foods, which is ok. Some humans eat large portions and others eat small portions. And then there are humans who think that seeing something and deciding that it doesn’t LOOK like something they will eat qualifies them to say, “I don’t like it”. I have some humans and they all fit into one or the other of these categories. The latter being the most fun category of all.
Moving to Mauritius has forced us to try out a lot of new food. Some of the foods we have tried, and liked, are foods we had never even heard of in South Africa. It has been a food adventure for sure. And, as with all adventures, there have been some moments where we have just really wished for the same ol’ same ol’. That said, for the most part we have enjoyed trying new things and most of the foods are delicious. I’m not sure I will ever like Jackfruit (jaquier or jacque in Mauritius). But, that’s ok.
Manioc (Cassava)
Eating “Boulette” at the Mahebourg Waterfront
Delicious Coconut Pastry
At home, however, I have tried to keep it as “normal” as possible. As a family, we follow a predominantly plant based diet. The kids are used to, and enjoy, nourish bowls, lentils, vegetable stews, salads etc. They grew up on this stuff. We do make an occasional spaghetti bolognese or chicken something. But the child in question, has always been a natural vegetarian any way.
So, the food fight:
“Child” suddenly doesn’t eat ANYTHING but pasta or bread. All other food is “yucky” and child doesn’t like it. We manage on most nights to get Child to eat, sometimes we have to physically spoon things into Child’s mouth, but we generally win after a bit of conversation and cajoling.
Now, there are some factors that come in to play here. I have to understand some important things like developmental milestones, emotional and psychological factors, taste preferences, gender (I may be giving away Child’s identity a bit here. Sorry Child!) As a parent, I feel it is important to consider ALL these factors and aspects pertaining to “issues” we are having with our kids and then deal with them accordingly. And, for the most part, I am able to do this.
But, on the night of “Food Fight 2019” I had some of my own factors weighing out my rationale – I was tired, maybe a bit lonely, longing for some space of my own, feeling a bit drained by being present all the time and not carving out enough time for myself etc. etc.
This is how it went down. Child refused the food on offer. We tried our usual tactics and then “had” to deliver the “ultimatum”, “It is your choice. You can either try the food we have made for dinner or you can go to your room and wait for us to eat our own food and then you may come out. However, there will be no other food for you”. Of course we thought that this manipulation would work because parents are the boss and all that. It failed and Child landed up being force-fed a spoonful of food which Child proceeded to gag on and began sobbing hysterically. I calmly (like actually calmly) took Child’s hand to lead Child to the bedroom where I planned to have a rational discussion about food and its benefits etc.
* side note: if you know me, this is not my normal behaviour. Yes, I am calm, but I don’t usually turn things into a big drama and have power-play showdowns.
Well, we got into the room and the gagging had stopped. The food in the mouth was now clinging precariously to the lower lip and child was silently weeping. I asked Child to please swallow and Child refused. And then, I lost it. I grabbed the food, threw it on the floor and stormed out of the room after saying something mean like “Now you will stay here until we are finished eating” and some other mean things like “I’m sick of you not eating”.
I sat back down at the table where the rest of the family were silent and wide-eyed. Of course, I tried to believe I was justified in my actions. But sitting there and seeing them all looking at me like that was HORRIBLE. What I had done was just so mean, and they knew it. And, it was so out of character for me.
Here’s the deal, my child’s behaviour says NOTHING about my parenting. Child is a child and is actually entitled to behave like one. As I mentioned before, there are other factors to consider that affect a child’s behaviour. If I mindfully consider these factors, I am able to rationally approach helping Child to navigate his/her behaviour better and to make his/her own mindful choices. I am able to set achievable tasks and goals for my child and when he/she doesn’t achieve them, I am able to help him/her.
My behaviour says EVERYTHING about my parenting. Now hear me, I am not beating myself up over “Food Fight 2019”. In fact, I am actually laughing as I type because in retrospect it is ludicrous and super funny. It was also a direct result of me not being completely “ok”. I apologised to Child and we were able to move forward that night. Child even ate an entire bowl of food and declared, “I’m so proud of myself” at the end. But, how I respond or react to my children says EVERYTHING about me. My greatest role model is gracious, compassionate, slow to anger and ABOUNDING in love. What is love? Who is Love? I love the Passion Translation of the well-known verse in 1 Corinthians 13:
“Love is large and incredibly patient. Love is gentle and consistently kind to all. It refuses to be jealous when blessing comes to someone else. Love does not brag about one’s achievements nor inflate its own importance. 5 Love does not traffic in shame and disrespect, nor selfishly seek its own honor. Love is not easily irritated or quick to take offense. 6 Love joyfully celebrates honesty and finds no delight in what is wrong. 7 Love is a safe place of shelter, for it never stops believing the best for others. Love never takes failure as defeat, for it never gives up”.
May I model Love in my parenting and when I mess up, may I look to Love and see that my failures are not defeats. I will never give up trying to be a better parent. I will never give up learning how to better navigate the journey of parenting, which I can assure you never ends (my adult daughter is still my daughter). I will always strive to be a better me and to turn my eyes to Him, the Author and the Bar-setter. Again, thank you for joining me on this journey and my prayer is that you will be inspired, as I am, by Love.
I see her, with her floating hair and tall, straight spine. I see her with her “walk-a-little-walk”, shimmying away from me. She turns and winks over her shoulder at me and for a moment we look into each other’s eyes. She smiles that smile, the one that says “Mum, I see you too” and we hold each other’s gaze a moment longer. Then she takes a deep breath and squares her shoulders and she’s off again, all grown-up and classy and sure of herself . I am FILLED with pride, yet tears stream down my face. She is ready.
Moving to Mauritius has made me acutely aware of the fact that I have an adult daughter. A grown-up child who is forging her own way in this world. A human being capable of making her own (good, because thats how she rolls) decisions and of choosing where lives, what she does and how she wants to do it. And it is a rollercoaster ride for me, as her mum, to experience this all with her and away from her.
It is a really weird feeling to know that “my work here is done”. It gives me a funny bubbling in my chest – an almost heartbroken yet excited feeling. I am torn between complete awe and total devastation. I look at this human I created, this beautiful (like really, really beautiful) creature I spent almost every waking moment with for almost 20 years and I am just gobsmacked and gut-wrenched all at once. She is magnificent and she is not mine any more (even though she is and always will be). It makes me want to run and hold on to her forever and at the same time, I want to release her and see her do wonderful things, because I know that is what she is destined for.
I prayed for her, this daughter of mine. From the day I knew she was coming, I prayed. I asked for wisdom in raising her and for the strength to do a good, a Godly job. I didn’t succeed a lot of the time, but many times, I did. I prayed for her to be strong (“She is clothed with strength and dignity, she laughs at the things to come – Prov 31:25). I prayed that she would know God and seek him with all of her heart (“Seek first the Kingdom and His righteousness and all of these things will be added unto you” – Matt 6:33), I prayed that she would be wise and kind ( “She opens her mouth with wisdom and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue” – Prov 31:26). I prayed that she would know who she is (“By the grace of God, I am what I am” _ 1 Cor 15:10). Mostly, I prayed that she would know Love and that in return she would show love (“Let all that you do, be done in love” – 1 Cor 16:14). And she is all of these things. And I continue to pray. For all of these things, for all of her days. And for my other daughters, for all of their days.
I am grateful I have this time. This time to learn with Courts and this time to still enjoy with Ry, Mica, Emme and Jett. I pray that I can mindfully navigate parenting an adult while I traverse these fields of parenting children, preteens and teens. I pray that I can let go and hold on at the same time. I pray for the wisdom to stay present, to drink in the moments. To not allow time to be a thief but rather, to allow it to be a giver of good gifts. I pray that I never forget that the attachment theories I parented my babies with are the same theories that will grow well adjusted and healthy adults (as much as is possible). I pray that in all of it, that my children feel loved. Beyond measure. Always.
And so to you moms with daughters, a day is coming when you will have to face what I am facing (and it creeps up so quickly). I can not prep you adequately for this. But, I can say to you – what you put in now matters! The amount of love you LAVISH on her, means everything! The hours of sleepless nights, the tedious Barbie movies and shared popcorns, the fighting over homework or the late night chats over tea … they all matter. Every word you utter, matters. Every thing you teach her, good or bad, matters. I would encourage you to mindfully continue this journey, knowing that when your time comes, your words and actions and LOVE have a lasting impact. None of us can give our children a perfect childhood, none of us can be perfect. But, we can be mindful of the way we are equipping our girls (and boys). She will one day be someone’s friend, someone’s student, someone’s girlfriend, someone’s employee, someone’s wife, someone’s mother, someone’s employer, someone’s aunt and on and on it goes. Everything we do now matters. And then one day, it is done.
Raising strong girls is something I am passionate about (I am also passionate about raising a strong, kind boy) . I have four daughters, so I guess its a good thing I am. I would love to hear some of your thoughts on raising women and would absolutely love to answer some of your questions, if you have any. Pop me a message in the comments section and lets start a little series on “Daughters”.
In closing, the lyrics to the song “Daughter” by Sleeping At Last:
If only you knew
The sunlight shines a little brighter
The weight of the world’s a little lighter
The stars lean in a little closer
All because of you
I want to see
You lift your chin a little higher
Open your eyes a little wider
Speak your mind a little louder
’cause you are royalty
This is your kingdom
This is your crown
This is your story
This is your moment
Don’t look down
You’re ready, born ready
And all you gotta do
Is put one foot in front of you
Our ceiling is your floor
And all you gotta do
Is put one foot in front of you
If only you knew
If only you knew
The forests grew a little greener
The roots reach in little deeper
The birds all sing a little sweeter
All to welcome you
I want to see
Your happily ever after
That you know in your heart that you matter
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