This little thing we carry around with us. Its like an ugly purse we sling over our shoulder and then we start filling it. And when it starts getting too heavy, instead of putting it down, we shift it and readjust how we are carrying it, all the while it is getting more and more cumbersome and uncomfortable. Pretty soon it’s all we can think about. And still we don’t get rid of it. In fact, we start to tend it, like a bad dog. We hope that if we pay it the right amount of attention, it will get better. It’s kind of crazy, this nurturing of something bad.
I carried fear with me for too long. I knew it was there, so I slept with the light on in the hopes of not seeing it. Then I started reading late at night to make my eyes tired so that I could fall asleep. I wasn’t entirely sure what it was I was afraid of, but I think at the core of it, it was the unknown that scared me. I was scared of what I couldn’t see. Scared of possible bad things, failures and tragedies and scary things. And the more I tried to ignore it, the more attention I paid to it. Nursing it while it festered and started to eat away at me.
I had kids and the fear became focused on any unknown outcome for them. Would they be safe at home with a babysitter, would they accidentally kill themselves, would I ride over them in my car when reversing, would they get sick and die? And then so many fears became realities: I had scary pregnancies and premature babies, my daughter (then 11) was held at knife point by an intruder, I experienced the loss of a baby at 16 weeks pregnant, severe illness plagued me, I had some scary moments with kids not breathing and them getting terribly ill where we thought for sure we would lose them, my marriage went through some serious lows and I wondered if we would last (we did, thank God) … and I survived.
And in surviving, I slowly started to loosen my hold on the fear I had slung over my shoulder that was weighing me down. Pretty soon it was just a little thing I dragged around with me. I stopped paying it as much attention and perhaps I became a bit cocky. My name means “Victorious, Overcomer” so I started to live up to that name. Meanwhile, fear was following me, waiting for a chance to reestablish itself on my shoulder and start weighing me down again. Every now and then it nipped at my heals, but for the most part it just was “there”, dragging.
And then in a moment it was back. We suddenly came under some vicious attacks – my kids were living in so much fear that they suffered emotionally and physically. The fear I had thought was gone, was right there. Only this time, it threatened to take me down completely. The final straw came in the form of a personal experience that left me completely shaken and completely exposed. It was in that moment that I realised I couldn’t rely on my own strength to protect me (not only physically but also emotionally and spiritually). I admitted defeat and high-tailed it to “safety”. I was in a place where I felt safe again.
And then slowly, the fear started to creep back in. This time, it wasn’t fear of the physical harm we had endured. It was fear of being alone, fear of not having enough, fear of being unhappy. Our closest friends suffered a major tragedy that completely shook us. It was fear on a deeper, darker level and I knew that outside of surrender, I would never make it out.
“Don’t fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are Mine” – Isaiah 43:1. Jessica Kastner, in an article she wrote for Huffpost, says “God actually commands us not to fear, or worry. The phrase “fear not” is used at least 80 times in the Bible, most likely because He knows the enemy uses fear to decrease our hope and limit our victories“. All this time, the enemy was actually attacking what I knew to be true about myself – he was attacking my “Victorious, Overcomer”. And all this time, I was trying to be just that, but in my own strength. The thing is, I wasn’t LISTENING to God, I was just BEGGING Him to help me. And through it all, He was saying “Fear not”.
Fear not. I began my surrender there. Any time I felt that fear, it was a “fear not” moment. I began to mindfully lean in to His voice and in so doing renew my mind. My load began to lift. And what is crazy is that as this was happening, my world around me began to shift so much – we faced some HUGE decisions as a family, we faced financial strain like never before, we faced difficulty that under “normal” circumstances would have destroyed us. But the “Fear not” became a way for me to stop. To pause. To exhale. To let go. And to turn my eyes to the One who says “I have called you by name; you are Mine”.
Our decision to leave South Africa, strangely (or not), had very little to do with fear. For most South Africans, the choice to leave is often driven by fear. For us, we are finally leaning in to His voice and in so doing, seeking to move our family into more of what He has planned for us. Part of that plan, we believe, is to set up and “leave an inheritance for our children’s children”. Mauritius is Marc’s inheritance through his own father and therefore an inheritance for our children and so, we will sow as wisely as we can into this new season as we seek to leave an inheritance for OUR grandchildren. Fear has nothing to do with it.
” Fear not” is a big exhale. And with each exhale there is an inhale. I know life will not be plain sailing. I know there are still so many challenges and struggles that I will face. Sometimes I feel that fear tickling in my core, sometimes I even entertain it a little. But now, now I am not doing it alone.
“I have told you these things, so that in Me you will have peace.In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have OVERCOME the world.” – John 16:33.
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